


Blame it on the dumplings.

by Paranoxx



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Awkward Conversations, Gen, One Shot, Please Don't Hate Me, Sorry Not Sorry, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 22:17:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18949759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paranoxx/pseuds/Paranoxx
Summary: A one shot conversation between Vegeta and Goku. All you can eat buffets, the science of kissing and a great deal of red faced embarrassment with aviator sunglasses and huge creep factor  Hopefully, it'll make you laugh. I did.





	Blame it on the dumplings.

"This is a bad idea," Vegeta told himself, following Goku into the restaurant.  
15 seconds later he had convinced himself this was a great idea; the smell of 'all you can eat' and the success of his hasty disguise taking his outlook up several notches.

He and Trunks had only been kicked out of this place twice for eating them out of house and home. Coming with Goku, Vegeta had come up with a brilliant idea to hide his very distinctive appearance. His aviator sunglasses and baseball cap were enough to make the day manager ignore him like he was just another random, intensely muscular and outrageously good looking patron.

Accepting an invite from Kakarot was the thing making Vegeta squirm. They had spent the morning in the GR sparring. It had been a good one in his opinion. Landing a solid kick to Kakarot's balls (by total accident, of course) was certain cause for smiling. The big baka was still sitting slightly tilted and that made Vegeta happy.

They filled plates with ridiculous amounts of food and dug in. Vegeta watched Kakarot slurp amazing mouthfuls of noodles for about two seconds and then daintily sucked all the meat off of a chicken leg, feeling superior. Vegeta pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his sharp nose with one finger and congratulated himself on thinking of this disguise. He would have to remember to go shopping (ugh) for the same get up in his son's size. Giving buffet owners strokes was a favourite bonding experience between him and his son. The proprietors tended to pop when they ran out of food, which was an intensely funny climax to a very filling experience.

He would have to add an element to his costume though. A hoodie? Yes! There was an added bonus to his current disguise. He looked like a total creep and people tended to siddle away from him in the buffet line. Which Vegeta was fine with. Adding the hoodie would give him a creep factor of around 50, he figured as well as a UniBomber vibe. (Not that anyone condones that sort of thing) There would be no humans brave enough to stand between him and the stuffed crab.

He was in the middle of trying to both balance chicken bones on a spare plate and look regal doing it when Kakarot spoke.

"Can I ask you something?" the tall Saiyan asked with a slightly pink face. Vegeta halted in the building of his weird chicken bone architecture and looked up, brows coming down in a frown.

"Do you have to?" he replied. Sarcasm was fun.

Goku hesitated for a moment, long enough for Vegeta to complete his Leaning Tower of Avian Demise and then said, " You know that thing Mirai Trunks did to Mai? Do you think ChiChi would like it if I did that to her? On the mouth, I mean, because she seems to like it alot when I do that to her-" Goku stopped at that part, silenced by a slab of raw tuna exploding between his eyes.

There was so much wrong with that sentence. Vegeta hated ALOT of things. Pretty high on that list were Kakarot's love life and any mental picture of him doing anything naked with the Harpy. The rather graphic images that flashed through his horrified mind would take a decade of therapy to fix. Therapy, interestingly enough, was also on Vegeta's list of things the universe would be a better place without.

The grisly mass of fleshless chicken bones suddenly looked nasty enough to make the Prince taste his discount sushi for the second time.

Rather than deal with that, Vegeta got up and went back to the buffet. They had just put out a fresh batch of dumplings. He was piling the tasty little treats on two plates when Kakarot came up beside him, a look of pleading on his face.

"Say a word and I vaporize every living thing in this building," Vegeta muttered, black eyes glittering with the dare. Goku closed his half open mouth and dove into the tray of mushroom chicken.

So, this is an effing situation, Vegeta thought, on his way back to the table. Kakarot wants to talk and I hate that. I want to eat and I love dumplings. He threw himself back into his chair with a huffing sound, wondering how much food he could fit in his pants if he had to make a run for it.

Before that dubious math came to fruition Kakarot was back, two plates in each hand. 

The look on Vegeta's somewhat of a friend's face was so yearningly pitiful that Vegeta actually felt a pang of something like sympathy for him. Even evil people feel bad for a puppy dumb enough to run into a wall.

Fastidiously, Vegeta plucked a dumpling out of his pile, intent on ignoring the big puppy dog eyes the world's few dozen times saviour was giving him. Vegeta thought filling his mouth would shut his brain up and he was wrong. Half a plateful later he couldn't stand it anymore.

Add curiousity to my list of shit I HATE, he told himself (this had to Bulma's bad influence on him;he never used to wonder about anything) and pointed his chopsticks at Kakarot.

" Are you honestly telling me that you've been married for about two decades and you have two children AND you've never kissed your wife?" he blurted in a torrent of trying to shut himself up.

Goku blushed pink, his right hand automatically going to rub the back of his head. 

"Do you do that to Bulma?" he asked, watching Vegeta intently.

The Prince wondered (again) how Kakarot had managed to live as long as he had. Being this dumb had to be hazardous to ones health. Also, he added talking about his own love life to his hatred list.

Not at all willing to dignify that question with a response, he retorted with one of his own, "Answer this honestly, Kakarot. How THE FUCK are you still married? You are either off training, fighting or DEAD most of the time, you didn't even know you had a second son until he was like 7 years old, you don't even know what Valentine's Day is AND you've never kissed your wife?!?"

Goku turned a pretty shade of bright red. Vegeta waited, staring at the man with a patience born from disbelief. Really, when he thought about it, if he were even close to as bad a husband to Bulma as Kakarot was to ChiChi he wouldn't be divorced, he'd be a murder victim in an shallow, unmarked grave.

Goku's face suddenly screwed up as though he smelled a large amount of ass. 

"It's GROSS!" he blurted loud enough to draw the attention of people seated around the two Saiyans, " I mean, eck! You EAT with that hole. Food goes in there, not somebody's tongue!"

Five minutes later Vegeta finally stopped laughing and caught his breath. Now every single human in the dining room was staring at the two men, who, for their part, paid zero attention.

Goku was still sporting his sunburnt appearance, in addition to which he had adopted a very offended expression.

Vegeta made the mistake of looking at Kakarot, which sent him straight off again. 

"What do you think goes in the other hole?" Vegeta managed to get out in syllables while he roared with gut tearing laughter.

"Do you even know what comes OUT of there!?'  
He was crying now; hot, helpless tears streaking down his face, adding their measure of salt to his rapidly hardening dumplings. 

But Kakarot perked up at this last, mostly garbled question, "Yes! Bulma told me. Babies come out of that one." He actually looked pleased with himself.

Vegeta leaned over, his head in his hands, trying to get any measure of air back into his body and failing completely. There was hardly any sound coming out of him now, he just looked, to the enraptured crowd, as though he were having a very prolonged, very violent seizure. 

"Ka..ka..rot..shut up or..I am..going to..die," Vegeta whispered brokenly, barely loud enough to be heard. His chest and stomach felt like he'd been in a fight, lost and then been stabbed just for good measure. He grabbed a paper napkin and swiped at his face; it wouldn't do for a prince to have a snot bubble. 

Finally, he simply could not laugh anymore. He also could not sit up straight, so he slumped back in the chair like an invalid, arms and tail wrapped around his slender waist. 

Goku was most definitely offended now, his expression dark and his eyes narrowed. 

"You're a bad friend," he stated succintly, "I should have asked Krillin."

Vegeta would have dissolved back into hysterics if he'd been physically able to do it, but his body's need for oxygen finally won out. He hicupped a few times and then drank both his and Kakarot's glasses of water. 

"Don't say anything, Kakarot. If you do, I'll start laughing again, drop dead and Bulma will be pissed, so just be quiet," Vegeta instructed, looking very intently at Goku. He picked up a dumpling, cold and stiff from neglect, dropped it and set his chopsticks aside with a little sigh.

"Kissing on the mouth is not gross. It is very, um, pleasent once you learn how to do it and if you can kiss your wife on the -nope, I can't say it- elsewhere, you can get over it and kiss her on the mouth."

Goku appeared to mull this over for several seconds. Whatever passed for the clockwork in his brain snapped into place and he asked, "Don't your noses get in the way of eachother?"

"Not if you're the freaky little bald midget."

"Seriously!"

Sigh. "You tilt your giant, stupid head to the side, Kakarot "

"What if one of you just ate stinky tofu?"

"For one, no one should EVER eat that. Second, that's what toothpaste is for."

"It looks like two people trying to swallow each other's faces."

"You're an idiot."

"I'll get her spit in my mouth."

"You just admitted that you've had way worse things in your mouth."

"Vegeta, what if I throw up?"

"Do that once and you're safe forever. She'll never try to kiss you ever again. Matter of fact, she'll probably divorce you...Yeah, you should definitely do that. Women think it's cute." 

"But...what?"

"Gods, you're dull as a post. Moving on .."

 

"Who taught you how to do it?"

"Bulma."

"Do you think she would teach me?"

"Kakarot, if you try to kiss MY WIFE there won't be anything of you left to bring back to life."

"If it's not gross, like you say, you could show me."

"I'm a bad friend. You should ask Krillin. I'm going back for dumplings "

End .

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this isn't exactly kind to Son Goku. I have nothing but love for the man, but let's be honest here, he's not exactly the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. But don't hate me, just laugh with Vegeta.


End file.
